Do you know any jokes.

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Joshenkstone, Apr 9, 2016.

  1. Joshenkstone

    Joshenkstone L5: Dapper Member

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    I'll begin with this one:
    Zahndah and his grandmother walked trough the supermarket.
    He found a cheese sandwich on the ground and wanted to pick it up.
    But then his grandmother said:"Don't pick that up everything that lays on the ground is dirty."
    Then Zahndah found a paper with Darren's map exploit secret.
    He wanted to pick that up too but his grandmother screamed once again:"Don't pick that up everything that lays on the ground is dirty!"
    Then he saw a banana he wanted to clean the floor but he knew his grandmother would get mad so he didn't touch it.
    A few second later his grandmother fel over the banana.
    His grandmother asked if he could help her with getting up.
    Then Zahndah laughed really hard and said:"no because everything that lays on the ground is dirty!"
     
  2. Crowbar

    aa Crowbar perfektoberfest

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    I expected a deep joke about Zahndah, Darren map exploits and other things, but got dissapointment. :C
     
  3. zahndah

    aa zahndah professional letter

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    hang on
    Why is this joke about me.

    Anyways, 'A man walked into a bar, ouch... A dyslexic man walked into a bra...'

    'I was taking a class on marine biology, but i failed because i was below C-level'

    'A grasshopper walked into a bar, and when it sat on a bar-stool the barkeeper said ''oh, did you know there is a drink named after you'', and the grasshopper replied ''what, ernis?'' '

    I have more hilariously terrible puns if you want them.

    Edit: had to add this because its so ~amazing~

    'A policeman went into the police department and saw that all the toilet seats had been stolen, so he want to the chief of police and said 'sir, someone has broken into the station and stolen all the toilet seats.' and the chief sighed and said 'yes, i see - but we've got nothing to go on'.
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2016
  4. Nicky

    aa Nicky Lets try something new!

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    The roof isn't my son but I will raise it.

    I had a pretty good boxing joke, but I can't seem to remember the punch line.

    What do you call a three humped camel? Pregnant. (from Zootopia, still the best pun I've heard in a movie)
     
  5. Crowbar

    aa Crowbar perfektoberfest

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    What's the difference between school teacher and a steam locomotive? The teacher will say you to spit your chewing gum, while the locomotive says CHOO CHOO. (Yeah it IS from a @Crash stream, @Bakscratch told it with a donate as I can remember.)
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2016
  6. Muddy

    Server Staff Muddy Muddy

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    It is 1973. A conductor is preparing for a concert with his orchestra when he notices that one of the violinists is absent. He begins to grow annoyed, and the rest of the orchestra gets nervous as the conductor is notorious for having a short temper. But despite the violinist's absence, they go ahead with the concert anyway.

    Twenty minutes into the concert, the violinist arrives. Incredibly frustrated at this point, the conductor walks up to him, pulls out a knife, and stabs him to death in front of a horrified audience. The police are swiftly called in and the conductor is taken to prison - and sentenced to death by electric chair.

    When asked what he'd like his last meal to be, he requests one hundred bananas. Although slightly confused, the policemen go ahead and gave him a hundred bananas, all of which he eats on the spot.

    The next morning, he is strapped into the electric chair. The man in charge of the chair switches it on, pushing 2,000 volts through the prisoner's body. After a few seconds, he switches it off, and is shocked (hohoho) to find that the man in the chair is still alive and practically unscathed. He runs another 2,000 volts through it, but the prisoner remains conscious.

    Finally, the policemen decide to unstrap the prisoner and try again tomorrow, figuring that the chair is just faulty. They send him back to his cell and ask him if he'd like another 'last meal'. He tells them yes - he'd like two hundred bananas. Despite this odd request, the policemen oblige and send him several bags packed tightly with bananas, all of which he manages to eat in one sitting.

    The next day rolls by and the prisoner is taken to the electric chair again. The man in charge of the chair decides to up the voltage, and sends 5,000 volts coursing through the prisoner's body. And once again, the prisoner is completely unscathed, save for a few burn marks on his arms and legs. Frustrated, the man at the control panel orders the policemen to send him back to his cell and take down what he'd like his third last meal to be. And yet again, the prisoner requests a large sum of bananas. Five hundred of them. The policemen go out to buy five hundred bananas and bring them back to his cell, where he spends all night devouring every last one of them.

    Once again, as the next morning rolls by, the prisoner is taken out of his cell and strapped into the electric chair. The control room is filled with police officers, engineers, scientists and electricians, all of whom are curious to see if the prisoner can survive having 10,000 volts shot through his body. As the chair is switched on, the room is promptly filled with smoke. The chair gives off a blinding light. All the lights throughout the entire prison flicker and go out. Entire sectors of the prison lose all power. Fire alarms go off, and the ceiling-mounted sprinklers spray water everywhere.

    The man at the control panel keeps the chair on for a solid thirty seconds before finally shutting it off. And when the smoke clears, and the lights come back on, everybody is completely and utterly baffled - the prisoner is still alive! The man at the control panel gets up and storms into the room with the prisoner and angrily demands what his deal is.

    "Sorry sir," says the prisoner. "I'm a bad conductor."
     
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  7. Nicky

    aa Nicky Lets try something new!

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    What do you call a vehicle made out of fabric? A car-pet.
     
  8. TyeZenneth

    TyeZenneth L6: Sharp Member

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  9. Joshenkstone

    Joshenkstone L5: Dapper Member

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    Wait you really think I am gonna ready all of that?


    never mind...
     
  10. Empyre

    Empyre L6: Sharp Member

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    Ha ... ha ... ha ... ha!

    A man was hired to paint a church. Trying to save some money, he mixed some paint thinner into the paint to make it cover more area. Just as he finished painting the building, a sudden rainstorm washed all the paint away. Dejected, he sat on the porch and said "Now what am I going to do?" A booming voice came from the sky, "Repaint and thin no more!"

    A rope came into a bar, but the bartender yelled "We don't serve ropes here!" The rope went outside and thrashed around and got itself all tangled up, and then went back inside. The bartender asked "Weren't you just here?" The rope said "I'm a frayed knot."

    There's no place like 127.0.0.1.

    There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who understand binary, and those who don't.
    And those who know that this joke is in trinary.
     
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  11. CriminalBunny

    aa CriminalBunny Lasers are just deadly rainbows

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    Why did Adele cross the road?
    To say hello from the other side.

    I once visited a crematorium where they gave discounts to burn victims (This one's from Fallout)

    Two cannibals were eating a clown, one turns and tells to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" (Also from Fallout)

    There are 3 kinds of people, those who can count and those who can't.

    "2fort is the best map!" - Me when I first played the game

    How do you call a fish with no eyes?
    A fsh.

    Two atoms walk into a bar and one of them says "I think I've lost one electron!",
    the second one asks "Are you sure?", which the other replies "I'm positive!" (Again, Fallout)

    According to chemistry, Alcohol is a solution.
     
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  12. Berry

    aa Berry spooky scary skeletons

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  13. Muddy

    Server Staff Muddy Muddy

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    Here's another one...

    A man and his dog walk into a bar. The bartender sees the dog - a healthy, happy young husky - and tells the man, "That's a really nice dog you've got there."

    "Thanks," says the man, and orders a pint.

    "I've got a challenge for ya," says the bartender. "Limited time offer. I give this challenge to everyone I see who's got a dog with 'em."

    "Oh yeah? What is it?"

    "I've got some meat in the freezer, and it's about to go off. I can hang it from the ceiling, and if your dog can jump up and grab it, I'll give you a free pint. But if he can't reach it, you'll have to buy me a pint. Sound like a good deal?"

    The man thinks about this for a moment, then says, "Alright, you're on!"

    So the bartender walks out back, and returns with a slab of meat and some rope. He uses the rope to tie the meat to the ceiling, so it's dangling some way up. The dog watches the meat tentatively, then leaps with all his might and grabs the meat in his mouth.

    "Very good, very good!" says the bartender, pouring the man a pint. "Now for the bonus challenge!"

    "The bonus challenge?" inquires the man.

    "Yeah. Wait right here."

    The bartender slips out back and returns with two more slabs of meat, which he ties to the ceiling in a similar fashion to last time, but considerably higher up.

    "If your dog can reach these slabs of meat, I'll get everyone in the pub to buy you a pint. But if he can't reach them, you'll have to buy everyone in this pub a pint instead. Deal?"

    The man looks nervously at the bartender. He looks at his dog. Looks at the slabs of meat... they're very high up. He looks around the pub... it's quite busy. Eventually he turns to the bartender, shaking his head, and says,

    "Sorry, the steaks are too high."
     
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  14. Beef Bucket

    aa Beef Bucket L41: Blessed Member

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    There are two types of people in this world, those who can extrapolate conclusions from incomplete data

    Why are vampires bad at tennis?
    Because they don't exist
     
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    Last edited: Apr 9, 2016
  15. theatreTECHIE

    aa theatreTECHIE Yet another Techie for the net...

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    Calculus is an integral part of mathematics.

    Electronics is really current nowadays.
     
  16. worMatty

    aa worMatty Repacking Evangelist

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    Why did the condom fly around the room? Because he was pissed off.
     
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  17. Empyre

    Empyre L6: Sharp Member

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    Why is there a fence around the cemetery? Because people are dying to get in.

    If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitant.
     
  18. UKCS-Alias

    aa UKCS-Alias Mann vs Machine... or... Mapper vs Meta?

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    There are two types of people in this world, those who can read half
     
  19. Jusa

    aa Jusa

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    A squirrel was sitting on a pine tree. Suddenly the tree started shaking and the squirrel was all like what the heck and looked down and saw an elephant climbing up the tree.

    The squirrel then was like "yo elephant what the heck you doing?"

    The elephant then responded "I'm coming up there to eat pears with you."

    Then the squirrel was like "what the hell man pears dont grow on pine trees."

    Then the elephant was like "dude, thats why I brought pears with me."
     
  20. Aeix

    Aeix L3: Member

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    What do you call a can opener that's broken?
    A can't opener!
    end my suffering
     
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