What is your type of punishment? Ban
What platform was the punishment on? Site
What is your forum username? Nicky
Who applied the punishment? Not sure
When were you punished? Aug 28, 2017
Why should we revoke it? Content warning: this contains some potentially triggering content. I want to apologize for the way I behaved 6-7 years ago. I was only on TF2M when I was 14-16 years old, and during that time I got myself involved in sexual relationships with people way older than me in this community and other non-tf2 related online communities. Some people were adults while I was still a minor. I had no idea what I was getting myself into and I was not even remotely emotionally mature enough for it. Private pictures, sexting, and sexual roleplay were involved. I had not fully realized how messed up this stuff was until the last year or so when I started to really think about it, along with making real relationships with people in-person. Its made me have low self worth, thoughts of suicide, and sometimes made me uncomfortable in my own body. I cannot keep running from it, so I feel it is due time to actually apologize and take responsibility for my actions. I don't have access to directly messaging the people I've hurt, so I felt this was the best way to reach out.
I had a lot of mental issues when I was younger, and getting into these unhealthy relationships exacerbated them. I had attachment issues, became very reliant on attention, and I basically equated my self worth with the engagement I got. When I felt someone was threatening my attention, I harassed and bullied them. At the time, I was so caught up in my own selfish gains that I felt I was doing the right thing. I thought I was entitled to all these things. Obviously, I was wrong.
By giving this context for my past, I am not trying to receive pity, farm attention, shift blame, or excuse my past behavior. I'm purely trying to explain how I used to be compared to who I am now and to show my reasoning for talking about this now. These were my actions, I decided to make them back then, and for that I am truly sorry. I caused problems, hurt people, and tried manipulating people. It was always wrong, I thought I could learn easily and move on quickly, but I hadn't fully processed everything and the damage I had done not only to others but to myself as well. It's not just that I am a "different man" now, but literally that I am a "man" in my twenties and not an irresponsible teenage boy. Nowadays, I understand boundaries, not just others' but also my own. I'm much more careful in my decisions and how I act. I've been in many professional and casual settings and communities now and I understand proper behavior, and I have not had any issues like the past since then.
No one here deserved the way I treated them. I am very sorry to those I directly hurt, those who got caught in the crossfire, and the staff that had to deal with my bullshit back then. I've looked back at my older messages and it's just so obvious to me now what a jerk I was. There are no excuses for my past and I fully regret my past actions. It's taken a couple years but my close friends and I believe that who I am now is much better and almost incomparable to my past self because of how vastly different I am now. This trauma from these past events still lingers with me everyday, and despite being a painful experience, writing this apology is the next step to moving on for me. I’m hoping this can help heal the trauma I caused others and the trauma that I have myself.
