- Feb 2, 2014
- 392
- 411
Over the past few months I’ve gone silent. And as most of you probably know for good reasoning. I’ve sat and wondered how I would type, the things I would say, the people I should apologize directly to. Only I still don’t know. I know what I did wrong. I know why I got shoved out. I was a cancer upon this community and treated its members wrongfully, I tried to set my immoral and biased ideology on it and for that I was rightfully shoved out. I’m a liar, there’s nothing hiding that either. So, believe what you will, but understand this is my last post here after that you can tell whatever you want about me.
For the last few months it’s tormented me in my head, something that won’t go away and sits there beating down on me every time it comes up. I’ve taken up the bad habit to bite my hands in frustration and anger towards myself, so much so that I’m now in constant pain every time I move my hands. I’ve been in and out of counselling the last couple of months as well, getting medication for my anger and even getting recommended into getting away from the city and going out to meet new people.
I’ve also taken up writing again. Since I was banned from chat I managed to get 20 whole chapters done in my story. Something that I finally found free time to do what with not working on TF2 maps all day. I’ve also begun writing in a journal about my feelings towards situations and getting more involved with writing groups so I can improve my writing as I need. I’m not perfect I will admit that, I’ve written the same paragraph at least a hundred times now because none of it sounds right to me. But, enough about me. I came here with the intention to apologize and be gone after this, and that’s what I’m here to do. These aren’t long mainly because I’m not good at apologies so…ya…
Phi and iiboharz.
I’m sorry for the way I acted. I was rude to Phi the most and indirectly rude to iiboharz. I don’t know what Crash shared with you from that last conversation I had with him, all I remember is that you have the full right to hate me for it. Part of me wishes I wasn’t so blunt towards you and wish I had been more self-controlling on my end. You two are great people and great for each other and I hope the two of you have a happy future together. May whatever you find at the end of your road be nothing but happiness.
Crash.
I understand you hate me. I understand you said never to contact you again. And I respect that. What you said has really sat in my mind for the last 6 months as anger, frustration, and a baseball bat beating against my ego. I’m hoping writing this will at least help alleviate some of that mental pain. You’re a good level designer Crash, I hope you find something well in your future as a level designer. Something, I have given up on.
Freyja and Egan.
Whether you hated me or not. Whether you liked me or not. Thank you. While everyone else was nailing me down. You two listened to me, even after my tantrum. So, thank you.
Frozen.
Through my lies, through my tantrums, through the worst things I was an asshole that came to your website in search of fame. I thought I was hot shit and lied about my life for nearly 2 years to you. I fucked up. I fucked up and tried to drag everyone else down with me. I’m sorry.
Everyone else.
However, you remember me. Funny. Stupid. Asshole. Cunt. Psychopath. Liar. I don’t blame you. I know most of you hate or despise me. I wish I wasn’t so mean and I wish ‘Murder all my problems away’ wasn’t the thing constantly trying to ring its way into my head. Course that’s what the therapy and counselling is for. I hope some of you go on to do what you want to do and maybe even become great mappers yourselves, just remember don’t be me. Loud, obnoxious, mean, and downright stubborn to work with.
Well, this is it. I’m done. Whether I’ll go on to be a better person or not is really up to me now I guess. Hopefully I will be able to come back from this pit of a mental state I’ve put myself into and be ready to step into a better life.
-shadowslasher11X
For the last few months it’s tormented me in my head, something that won’t go away and sits there beating down on me every time it comes up. I’ve taken up the bad habit to bite my hands in frustration and anger towards myself, so much so that I’m now in constant pain every time I move my hands. I’ve been in and out of counselling the last couple of months as well, getting medication for my anger and even getting recommended into getting away from the city and going out to meet new people.
I’ve also taken up writing again. Since I was banned from chat I managed to get 20 whole chapters done in my story. Something that I finally found free time to do what with not working on TF2 maps all day. I’ve also begun writing in a journal about my feelings towards situations and getting more involved with writing groups so I can improve my writing as I need. I’m not perfect I will admit that, I’ve written the same paragraph at least a hundred times now because none of it sounds right to me. But, enough about me. I came here with the intention to apologize and be gone after this, and that’s what I’m here to do. These aren’t long mainly because I’m not good at apologies so…ya…
Phi and iiboharz.
I’m sorry for the way I acted. I was rude to Phi the most and indirectly rude to iiboharz. I don’t know what Crash shared with you from that last conversation I had with him, all I remember is that you have the full right to hate me for it. Part of me wishes I wasn’t so blunt towards you and wish I had been more self-controlling on my end. You two are great people and great for each other and I hope the two of you have a happy future together. May whatever you find at the end of your road be nothing but happiness.
Crash.
I understand you hate me. I understand you said never to contact you again. And I respect that. What you said has really sat in my mind for the last 6 months as anger, frustration, and a baseball bat beating against my ego. I’m hoping writing this will at least help alleviate some of that mental pain. You’re a good level designer Crash, I hope you find something well in your future as a level designer. Something, I have given up on.
Freyja and Egan.
Whether you hated me or not. Whether you liked me or not. Thank you. While everyone else was nailing me down. You two listened to me, even after my tantrum. So, thank you.
Frozen.
Through my lies, through my tantrums, through the worst things I was an asshole that came to your website in search of fame. I thought I was hot shit and lied about my life for nearly 2 years to you. I fucked up. I fucked up and tried to drag everyone else down with me. I’m sorry.
Everyone else.
However, you remember me. Funny. Stupid. Asshole. Cunt. Psychopath. Liar. I don’t blame you. I know most of you hate or despise me. I wish I wasn’t so mean and I wish ‘Murder all my problems away’ wasn’t the thing constantly trying to ring its way into my head. Course that’s what the therapy and counselling is for. I hope some of you go on to do what you want to do and maybe even become great mappers yourselves, just remember don’t be me. Loud, obnoxious, mean, and downright stubborn to work with.
Well, this is it. I’m done. Whether I’ll go on to be a better person or not is really up to me now I guess. Hopefully I will be able to come back from this pit of a mental state I’ve put myself into and be ready to step into a better life.
-shadowslasher11X
