The TF2 Olympics

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Armadillo of Doom, Jan 18, 2009.

  1. Armadillo of Doom

    aa Armadillo of Doom Group Founder, Lover of Pie

    Positive Ratings:
    I thought this might be good for a few lulz.

    Fargo: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Team Fortress 2 Olympics, where the men are men and women apparently don't exist, making Jr. High dances considerably more awkward. This year's events are being hosted by the Red Team, a decision clouded in controversy given Red's record of shooting people in the face. With rockets.

    With me today is my long-time friend and expert commentator, The Medic. [Pause.] The Medic. [Pause.] MEDIC!

    Medic: Ach, I am hier, ja.

    Fargo: For those of you just joining in, the parade of nations has just drawn to an awkward close after some celebratory chaingunning went awry, and we're about to kick off the official competition with the entry of the Olympic torch, being carried through 2Fort stadium by a Scout. He should be coming any moment.

    Medic: Und zere he goes!

    Fargo: Wait - what? I glanced down to clean some fuzz out of my mouse. Did I miss it?

    Medic: Javol! Ze torch ist lit! Und so ist ze Demoman.
    Fargo: Sonofabitch those guys are quick. I suppose it's time for our first event: Rocket Jump Gymnastics. And I see that the Soldiers are already lining up for the first round.

    [The Soldiers hit themselves on the head with their shovels.]

    Fargo: Now Medic, there's been some controversy as to the ages of the competitors -- whether or not the Soldiers here are mature enough and of legal age to compete.

    Soldier 1: N00b!
    Soldier 2: GAY!

    Medic: No-von knows if joo are a leetle girl on ze Internet.

    Fargo: Here comes the Red Soldier now, he's got some good speed across the bridge, there goes his rocket -- a little sloppy with the jump timing, but look at that form! A double twist to the sniper deck aannnnndddd... he sticks the landing! Despite the unsteady takeoff he seems pleased, and, now he's just been gunned down by the judges' turret.

    Medic: I gif him a five.

    Fargo: Five?

    Medic: High five.

    Fargo: And now the favored contender is stepping up, the Blue Soldier is making his run, what terrific form! What intensity! He's trying for a double-grenade rocket jump with a -- OH MY! -- A flawless launch! I think we might see some world-record height here! Two, three -- that's four full rotations! And now he's dead.

    Medic: Zat ist ein big crater, ja.

    Fargo: The server has just tagged the Blue Soldier as his own nemesis. I've never seen that before.

    Medic: Happens to Demoman at parties, as vell.

    Fargo: Next on the Olympic schedule are a pair of events that are real crowd-pleasers. Turn your attention to the top of the covered bridge for the 100-meter Scout briefcase dash, which will be taking place simultaneously with the Sniper skeet-shooting competition.

    Medic: Only von can vin.

    Fargo: I don't know about that -- the Blue Scout just got torn in two by a single round, the upper half of his body hurtling toward his own base at the front of a crimson comet of blood.

    Medic: Mein Got!

    Fargo: That's right, we're all winners here. Wait, hold on, we're going to go live now to the entrance to the Blue base where our man on the scene, the Pyro, has landed an interview with the Red Sniper after that impressive shot. Take it away, Pyro!
    Pyro: Mnnnphh! Mnrrr, mrrr mrrr MnnMMnnoopphh. Mnph?

    [The Pyro tips the microphone to the Sniper.]

    Sniper: Uhm - wot?

    Pyro: Mnnmnmnn Hmmmnmn mnrrrrmnph, mumph menenemirmmmpphh?

    Sniper: Say wot mate? [He looks helplessly at the camera.] Is 'e okay?

    Pyro: Wummble mrrrmble mf, Mph Ummmph!

    [Camera cuts unexpectedly back to Fargo.]

    Fargo: ...sure, I'll take that. The advertisers paid in advance. Medic?

    Medic: Javol?

    Fargo: I need drugs to get through this.

    Medic: Und ze next event begint! Ist next: der schwimmen!

    Fargo: That's right, the 400-meter freestyle Spy swim-off, taking place in the sewers below the bases. And they're rounding the final corner ... and it looks like ... the Blue Team won! No, wait, I think that's the Red Team. No? Blue? F'n spies. Somebody shoot them and see if they scream.

    Medic: Do lieber! Mein Spy benötigt Herzkreislaufwiederbelebung!

    Fargo: I can't say I agree with you. Or disagree. I can't actually parse that sentence at all, I'm afraid. Ah, I see the Pyro is now setting random things on fire!

    Medic: Und vat event ist das?

    Fargo: It's not for an event, really. We just can't stop him. I guess that means day one is wrapping up! Tune in tomorrow during prime time when the Heavy will punch the Engineer in the back of the head while he tries to build a dispenser. After that the Olympic events will start. See you then!

    [The Medic squirts whatever's in his syringe into his mouth.]
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  2. Shadow Monkey

    Shadow Monkey Super Monkey

    Positive Ratings:
    Realy cool :)
  3. zpqrei

    aa zpqrei Theme Changer Extraordinaire

    Positive Ratings:
    That's...amazing. How long did it take to write it up?

    Also, nice photoshopping :D
  4. Armadillo of Doom

    aa Armadillo of Doom Group Founder, Lover of Pie

    Positive Ratings:
    Alas, this is actually not my work. Just an article I copied from a gaming humor column.
    lulz :D
  5. Nineaxis

    aa Nineaxis Quack Doctor

    Positive Ratings: